05th November 2010 04:00 AM. Today is Diwali, "The festival of Lights".
I had this feeling that, i should try to pen down these thoughts that crept into my mind or rather let me put it as, thoughts that always prevail in my mind.
Among all the festivals we celebrated, i was always fascinated by Diwali. I still prefer to refer to it as "Deepawali", which i knew was the correct name and carried the essence of the festival.
The beginning of the winter, neat and clean houses, the smell of the paints and emulsions, home-made 'diyas', colourful rangolis and decoration, dazzling lights, lots of sweets, maddening noise of the crackers and above all, quality time with family and friends together.
Everything... everything just added to its miraculous charm.
The last i had such a good time was three years ago, Nov 2007. I was no longer a kid or a student. I was a working professional and it was first Diwali at home, after i got my first job. My entire family was together and waiting to meet me.
I had a very great time. The memories of those moments are crystal clear in my mind till today. It was definitely special. Little i knew, that it would eventually, turn out to be the best Diwali i would ever manage to celebrate.
Times change and life's face is never the same again, though we may look at it for all eternity. Some incidents in life, just rob you of the clues to your life's puzzle. No matter how hard you try, it’s going to remain incomplete.
In all my sanity, i do understand that you cannot re-live a moment ever again and i also know that time, heals the wounds. But, what about the scars?
Sometimes i wonder, what's the harshest pain a human being can go through? Every person has a unique story, a different perception and so would be their assessment of life's atrocities. I had a very strong desire to find 'my answer' to this question.
If had answered this question a few years ago i would have said, "loss of someone/something very close to the heart" or "saying good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever".
But the truth is, such a pain is not permanent. It may be intense for few months or may be years, but then it subsides. It might re-surface later for few occasional moments and then settles down again.
In my opinion, the biggest pain would be something having more impact for a longer duration of time. Something which pinches you every day, may be for different reasons.
Something, like a heart-felt guilt or an unfulfilled dream.
I am living a fairly good life, but sometimes i feel such a kind of pain, without any reason and that is what troubles me. I was never able to congregate my thoughts or co-relate such feelings.
But then i read an article, which actually sieved all my thoughts into just three words.
According to me, the biggest pain a human being suffers or can suffer from is "Not having enough".
It may be anything like, not having enough moments with your loved ones... or not having the courage to say "I love you" or "I am sorry".
Not having enough motivation to cherish your dreams... or not having enough money to meet ends... or not having enough luck in order to have a better life.
Every pain in life, at any point of time can be attributed to the fact that there is always a lacking... "Not Having Enough"...
I wish. i could have had a few more such Diwalis or few more moments with my loved ones...
The answer isn't so simple, not enough yet and i know, i might be wasting my life, if i try to find the answer to it. I understand, life is for living the moments and not analysing the moments.
But my quest continues...
